Most of my life has been operated in reactivity, with not a whole lot of intention. I allowed myself to be led in my relationships, starting from a very early age. I was naive and super-sensitive, sucking up the energy and the moods around me. I also learned from an early age not to make waves and that meant pleasing the people around me. I have only learned in the past couple of years how much of an effect this has had on me, and feel like an infant at times for just how much I have yet to learn. I have looked outside of myself my whole life for worth, answers and love. To paraphrase the beloved Brené Brown, I have been hustling for my worthiness every step of the way. The hustling drains me of joy, makes gratitude harder to feel and does nothing to help my healing
What do I mean by hustling? Here is an example which also neatly sums up where I am right now. Since I have looked outside of myself my entire life for moments, looks, comments, conversations that help me to feel good, this is how I measured (and still do to a degree) my self esteem. I also measure my self-esteem on healthy I am and how much income I make. Since all of that drastically changed in the last two years, I am finding myself in a place so foreign to me and very painful at times. Yet for all that I have heard, this is THE place to be. The place where you get to change long held behaviours like hustling for worthiness, people-pleasing and perfectionism.
I am doing my best to shed the old and bring in the new. I know I have said it many times before but I couldn’t be in better surroundings. I have started practicing Qigong and hope to start drumming soon. The wonderful lady (and my new bf) who sold us the RV, also introduced me to Qigong. Qigong was one of the activities recommended to me by a pain specialist. I did not need to look outside myself for these things, they showed up when I was open to receiving them.
One of the things that I have at my disposal 100% of the time is a tablet and satellite permitting, internet. Grow Your Gratitude was started partly on the premise that I wanted myself and others to share their stories of gratitude. However, since day one I have also been met with fear about sharing myself due to such low self esteem. My nervous system has me locked in fight, flight, freeze. I need to learn to live with this because as far as I know, even with the help of medication it will always be there. Since my physical abilities are limited, I want to make the best of the rest of what I have and that is my heart (soul) and mind. I feel that one of the ways for me to heal is to constantly focus on the good that I have and the good that I know is coming. I know it’s there and I also know I can access it when I want it enough. It is easier to look for the negative because we are born that way, negatively biased and it is our life’s work to overcome that and find joy!
On that note, for the last 100 days of the year (starting Sept 21) I will be participating in Mind Heart Body Therapies social media event #100happydaysexperiment. I participated in #100happdays a few years ago with my work mates and I can tell you that it helped me. It wasn’t always easy, the sharing or finding things you were grateful for on a shitty day. It did end up nourishing me and inspiring me to start this page. I hope you’ll join us! I will be sharing my Instagram photos to Facebook. If you are Instagram, you can follow Danielle on Instagram here https://www.instagram.com/mindbodyhearttherapy/?hl=en . She has so many inspiring and knowledgeable posts. Read more about her here: http://www.danielleszasz.com/about/
To access me on Instagram, click here. https://www.instagram.com/growyourgratitude/?hl=en